Stair Master

What last week lacked in awesome, this week surely made up for it.

First Dan was back in the mix.

Which meant all was right with the world.

 And my friend J revealed himself as a watcher as well.

Excellent!

This week was all about Courtney.

Which is why the show is so good.

The other girls are sweet and all about building long lasting relationships...with each other.

Snoozefest.

I love Kacie B and I'm glad she's sticking around.

Do I think she'll be a Bachelorette contestant at some point?

I do.

Why?

Because Courtney is going to win.

That broad is BANANAS.

She makes Ben so nervous that he literally does whatever she tells him too.

I'm getting ahead of myself.

First the girls were in Belize.

Super nice.

The first date of the night was with Lindzi with a "z"

On a helicopter.

I'm fairly certain that by the end of this season everyone will have their pilot's license.

This time they jumped out of the helicopter.

Lindzi was afraid of heights.
She took a leap...like she took a leap falling for Ben.

So many metaphors were happening that I think I blacked out.

They dove into this thing called "The Blue Hole" which made me giggle because I'm 9.

Then they started making out while treading water.

I've said this before but that sounds MISERABLE to me.

I would sink faster than Jack did in "Titanic."

The group date involved swimming with sharks.

F that noise.

I would have made sure I was busy that day.

I had a theory:

However,

the biggest part of the whole episode was really showing how much power Courtney has over Ben and the whole situation.

She continuously said that she wasn't sure if she would take Ben home to her family.

She also kept saying she didn't know if there was still a "spark."

Ben picked her for the 1:1 date and took her to a temple...with about a billion steps.

AKA my worst nightmare.

Here's how it would have gone had it been me on this date:

Ben: "We're going to climb these temple steps."

Me: "Um suck it."

I mean  I DID conquer the Rocky steps while visiting Philly this weekend:

But there is no way in Hell I would climb those effing steps.

Dan was concerned about the date for other reasons:

Ben plays into her hands so easily.

He said he wants someone who is weird and unique.

Well, if by unique you mean someone capable of successfully hiding a body then Courtney is your girl.

Ben asked her why she wasn't friends with the other girls.

She said they were vanilla and boring.

Plus she had a lot of guy friends.

Please read:

The other women tried to let Ben know that she was bananas.

He pulled her aside AGAIN to talk to her.

She made weird baby voices and oddly chatted with her pina colada.

Apparently that was her just being adorable and "unique" because

even though the other women thought she was leaving

home girl is sticking around.

She skipped to get her rose and of course rubbed it all over her face.

The women were appalled.

The saga continues.

She's going to win people.

We need to start coming to terms with it.

Here's how I know I'm easily distracted

As a lot of you know I work in the Career Center as an advisor.

I'm lucky enough to have a cube that faces a window that looks out on this real cool pine tree.

I stare at it a lot.

Sometimes during appointments.

Sometimes I stop talking to a student because I get so distracted by this one squirrel that is always hanging out in the same spot every day.

I named him Marvin.

I don't know why.

Yesterday it was snowing and Marvin was hanging out as per usual.

Double whammy on the distraction scale for me.

I was doing a resume review, and suddenly realized that I had stopped mid-sentence and hadn't said a word for a weird extended amount of time.

I did the most professional thing I could think of by telling the student:

"Sorry I blacked out for a minute...I was distracted by the....snow..."

Why that student let me continue on with their appointment is beyond me.

 Today I was helping a student make another important life decision: changing their major.

I glanced outside and then did a double take because Marv was very still.

I'm not going to lie I thought my fictional pet was dead for a hot second.

Then I realized he was NAPPING.

Here he is:

It took all the will power I had not to point it out to the student and take a picture during their appointment but I was freaking out on the inside.

A SQUIRREL TAKING A NAP.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

THAT IS EFFING ADORABLE.

I didn't even know woodland creatures took breaks!

The rest of the student's appointment I kept side glancing at the tree to make sure he was still there.

I couldn't miss capturing this precious moment.

When they left I grabbed my phone and took pictures.

I then told my friend Steve what I had seen:

And that is exactly what I did.

You are welcome for the DUMBEST blog post I have ever written.

My first kiss went a little like this...

Before I start I want to let you know something.

I'll do my best to not cry like this while I reveal my deepest darkest secret:

I kinda cheated on "The Bachelor" last night.

Only a little bit though you guys.

I watched some of "The Voice" on commercials.

There I said it.

It's out there.

Hopefully you can love me through it.

My viewing party looked a little like this:

I ate cake out of a cat cup.

 While rocking a fancy side pony & TMNT shirt.



The ladies were in Panama this week.

Ben took my favorite Kacie B. on a 1:1 date.

To a deserted island.

You wanna know how they got there?

I'll give you a guess.

It rhymes with shmellicopter.

They had to take a boat, a ride on a dolphin fin, and then body surf into the actual date location I think because it seemed like the longest commute ever.

When they finally got there Ben revealed that he brought a machete.

Be still my heart.

They caught a fish in a net. Made out.

She got a rose.

Score.

Leading up to the group date Courtney said, "skinny dipping" about 48 times.

Because I don't know if you know this but she skinny dipped with Ben last week.

Everything that had water was a new place they could skinny dip according to her.

"That puddle over there...a great spot."

"That bird bath...could be naked in it no problem."

"The pool...too easy...but yes I'd be naked in it with Ben."

"I could stand next to this water fountain naked while Ben splashed me...naked."

I mean jeez girl. Act like ya been there before.

They took a boat

(so low rent)

to an abandoned island.

It could be my hillbilly roots shining thru but it totally looked like the beginning of an episode of

"Swamp People."

I thought about it for a second and then realized asking Courtney to hold any weapon was a bad idea.

They "stumbled" upon an island of natives and hung out with them for the day.

Coincidentally they had just enough traditional garb for everyone.

Including a loin cloth for Ben.

Naturally.

Courtney ran with the phrase "When in Rome..."

and went bikini-less when changing into her new gifts from the pretty awesome natives.

(But seriously they looked awesome)

I mean it was a smart move. But also a skank move.

I have a feeling she just got confused as she is probably used to taking off her shirt for beads:

It was so uncomfortable.

We get it.

You're in it to win it

and if you don't win it you're going to set the rest of the girls on fire.

But easy does it girlfriend.

Emily at one point tried to make amends with Courtney for being a nosey Nelly.

Courtney took it surprisingly well.

Just kidding she freaked out and told Emily she was officially an enemy.

At some point she also invited Ben back to her room later in the evening.

She waited for him as a thunder storm raged on in the backround.

She started talking about how she'd been hurt before and couldn't trust men.

My previous prediction that she was going to be a bunny boiler is about to come to fruition folks.

She is one step away from holding his grandma for ransom.

I just know it.

Blakeley and Rachel were the 2 on 1 date.

Which meant that someone had to go at the end.

Blakeley was PUMPED for the date.

She was excited to spend more time with Ben and didn't give a what what that she had to also spend time with Rachel.

The girls were gifted a dress for their Salsa dancing class.

Blakeley acted like she won a bag full of diamonds.

I made this comparison:

She also revealed to Ben her scrapbook she'd been making for him since day one:

Apparently that was just enough to say,

"Thanks but no thanks."

Good move.

Kasey S. was sent home for being in love with some dude named Michael back home.

It was so dumb.

I thought she had done a "Sister Sister" switcharoo or something.

Or had a secret kid.

Or a tail.

I would have accepted any of them.

At the rose ceremony Jamie, bless her heart, tried to kiss Ben.

I'm not gonna lie to you.

I could barely watch it.

I had to switch back and forth because my skin was on fire.

I was so so so embarassed for her.

She kept saying "Ben didn't know what's about to happen."

She then "coached" him on how the kiss was going to go.

I can't even...

It was just...

So...

Much...

Awkward....

I felt like Ricky Bobby:

It was so bad.

So she went home.

And will most likely be embarrassed for the rest of her life.

Poor thing.

Overall it was kind of an off week for the Bach.

I'm next week they reel me back in a little bit more because I gotta tell ya knowing that my boo Adam is on just a channel change away is real tempting.

Who are we kidding.

I'll tune in.

I can't quit Ben.

I don't know why this is happening to ME

As many of you know I have a deep love for Adam Levine.

Taken before the restraining order...

So when I heard "The Voice" was coming back I freaked out.

Naturally I watched its premiere last night and was excited to hear that it was going to be on tonight as well.

However, those punks made it for the same time as "The Bachelor."

WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?

 I'm angry.

Real angry.

Sure I can watch it online but I won't catch moments like this in real time:

I mean...he's the coolest.

I don't understand why the world has dealt me this hand.

Last week I lost my tater tots in an unfortunate "left my groceries in the car over night" accident.

Now "The Voice" is on the wrong night?!

WHY ME?

WHO IS GOING TO YELL AT CHRISTINA AGUILERA IN ALL CAPS ON TWITTER FOR MAKING FUN OF ADAM?

(Which she totally did last night by calling him a Justin Timberlake wannabe.

To which I had a rational reaction that I shared with Sara via text:

 "SHE IS A STUPID BLONDE MEATBALL & I HATE HER.")

Well...that will probably still be me...just a day late.

But seriously:

WAH.

If you click the picture she moves...

Naked Gets A Rose...

Last night I was real tired.

The kind of tired where going to bed at 7:30 seemed acceptable.

Then I remembered:

PEOPLE ARE GETTING NAKED ON THE BACHELOR.

So I changed into Bach uniform:

 sweats, t-shirt, robe, ponytail & glasses.

You may be thinking, "but Jones isn't that also your Hoarders, Storage Wars, 30 Rock, Lifetime Movie marathon uniform too?"

No silly goose.

I don't wear a robe when I watch those shows.

As I settled in I was pretty confident in my fantasy team:

My bonus pick (who was gonna get the boot) was Elyse.

I was still pretty confused about who she was and why she was still there.

I picked my girl Kacie (duh.) and Jamie & Jennifer because they had been some of his favorites.

Especially Jennifer.

Honestly she was becoming my solid second choice. 

Which was a conflict of interest for me because her fake red hair still qualified her as a Ging...and they make me nervous.

(Kidding...kind of.)

 Moving on...

I've decided that my favorite part of the show is the 3 seconds that Chirs Harrison shows up to give the girls the 411 about the next few days.

He can not get out of there fast enough.

It cracks me up:

"Yo girls. We're in Puerto Rico, everyone gets a date, blah blah blah, roses, stuff, things, blah blah. Imma go get a tan. Later skanks."

The first date of the episode started with Ben and Nikki.

Naturally he picked her up in his helicopter.

Those girls are going to be real disappointed when he rolls up to their house in his 2008 Jetta for the rest of their real dating lives.

But whatever.

I digress.

This date...

I'll tell you what.

First they end up sitting outside a church watching a wedding while they talk about Nikki's divorce.

Then it starts to rain while they're eating churros.

How unplanned & romantic.

So they ran for shelter, couldn't find anything, and ended up making out in the rain.

If that sounds familiar it's because it's how every Taylor Swift song begins.

Because they were soaked the had to go get new outfits.

This is what Ben chose:

I mean I don't know why he's held out for so long to tell us he was heir to the KFC throne.

 Not to mention that the rain made his bangs frizz out.

If I were Nikki I would have asked for a rain check.

(Get it...because it rained? No? Just me? Is this thing on?)

But bing bang boom the date went well she's still around.

Hopefully Ben's outfit is not.

The next date was a group date full of baseball and stress.

The girls played against each other and were really good.

I was getting legitmately nervous about the whole thing.

Mainly because I wanted Kacie B to get to go to the fun after party with Ben.

And to see what Courtney was going to do.

To say I wasn't sitting on the edge of my seat like it was the World Series would be a lie.

Because I was.

I might have yelled, "GET IT TOGETHER GIRLS F."

I can neither confirm or deny.

Kacie and crew won.

You know what picked them up from the field?

That's right Dan.

Another Helicopter.

The other girls had to take a bus back to the hotel like a bunch of losers.

When the winning team went back to the resort to have the rest of their group date with Ben Courtney planted the seed to skinny dip by whispering sweet nothings into his ear.

Ben was like,

"Ha ha ...um...yes please? I mean no. I can't. I'm busy. Naked. Boobs. What? Sorry my mom's calling me..hang on. CHRIS? I NEED AN ADULT."

He was real smooth about it.

He ended up giving my #1 fav Kacie B the rose guarenteeing her a spot next week.

Excellent.

However, Courtney couldn't resist a good dig at her expense.

She said Kacie was too young and unexperienced. Ben needed someone more.

Because after having gone to the Golden Globes, and Puerto Rico twice...she's well traveled & precisely what Ben is looking for.

Ben's date with Elyse was next and it was bad from the start.

#1. If your first date with the dude is 4 weeks in he doesn't like you too much. He just forgot you were there.

#2. Don't tell a dude you're just tired of being single.

#3. Telling a guy you've only been on ONE date with that you think your FIRST date should involve getting married will only lead to pain.

Being that their date was on a boat I had a million "Titanic" jokes I wanted to make.

Dan sent me the following link:

Precisely.

After their dinner conversation Ben sent her on a tug boat back to the big boat and peaced out.

Poor thing...

Hopefully a cab picked her up and brought her immediately back to her natural habitat:

The Jersey Shore.

When he got back to the hotel Courtney was there waiting for him.

And "convinced" Ben to go skinny dipping.

They stripped down and she threw her cute little training bra into the wind and it was flirty.

And I was pissed.

Not because she was skankin' it up.

Because she threw her bra and it looked cute and dainty.

My bras could be attached to a sailboat and bring it thru a storm.

There is no de-clothing that would make me look remotely attractive.

And for that I hate her even more.

After the whole shabang,

Whoretney said,

"I think I'm winning."

I'm not an expert but:

Paper covers rock.

Rock beats scissors.

NAKED GETS A ROSE.

DUH YOU'RE WINNING.

Dan said it best:

The end of the night was a little surprising because he ended up sending Jennifer home.

Ugh.

She was also an uglier crier than Kim Kardashian.

I didn't now that was really possible.

The previews for the next few weeks have helicopters and crying so it looks like the season is going to carry on with its awesome self.

I will now leave you with two things:

1. This hilarious video:

&

2. This picture that Dan sent me earlier this afternoon:

You're welcome.

THANKS FOR NOTHING SEACREST

 Tonight was the season finale of Kourtney & Kim Take New York. 

I've watched the show all season. 

Waiting. 

Just waiting for the final blow up.

The only really shocking thing of the entire episode was realizing that I agreed with Kris Humphries. 

Kris and Kim were fighting over closet space in her palatial LA home. 

She claimed there was no room. 

He said she was being awful.

I agreed: 

Kris was right one time. 

That's all I'll give him credit for. 

Now Joe will never let me live it down, because he is firmly back on Kris's side. 

The battle never ends. 

After all the crying, ghost whispering, and passive aggressive fighting I thought it was all coming down to the big shabang. 

And you know what?

THEY DIDN'T EVEN SHOW THE EFFING BREAK UP. 

I THOUGHT THEY WERE GOING TO SHOW US THEM FILMING AN EPISODE OF DIVORCE COURT. 

OR RETURNING WEDDING GIFTS.

OR ACTUALLY YELLING:

"I WANT A DIVORCE."

We got nothing. 

Well that's not true.
We got strung along for 3 months with the promise that we would see it all end. 

Which I think as a collective audience we deserve after devoting 4 hours to the wedding special and an hour every Sunday to their lives. 

(Was that just me?)

Instead we just had Kris trolling around the house looking for Kim while carrying the baby like it was a bag of chips he found on top of the fridge.

My friend Lauren tweeted what I truly believe Kris thought in that moment: 

I mean carrying Mason with him to find his crying wife is a good move. 

The kid is cute. 

Plus he has an iPad. 

(I have a Kindle Fire...do you think he'd still be friends with me?)

In hindsight I should have just checked out like Joey:

I'm ready for Khloe & Lamar. 

They are adorable. 

Joe's not taking it so well. 

He really thought those two crazy kids were gonna make it. 

Joe also wants to campaign for Kris to be the next Bachelor. 

If that EVER happens I will never even turn my TV to ABC again. 

Which is extremely unfortunate because that is a channel where a lot of my stories come on. 

I feel so used. 

I got wrapped up in this fairytale and now I'm just not myself anymore.

I think I'll go put on non-waterproof mascara and cry about it

until someone comes and checks on me.